Okay, let’s be real. Emotional intelligence—it’s one of those things that sounds like something you should have, but if you’re like me, you’re often wondering if it’s actually something you can learn or if it’s just some mystical trait that smart people are born with. Spoiler alert: It’s definitely something you can work on. And believe me, I’ve spent enough time looking up “how to get emotionally intelligent” to tell you it’s doable.

Here’s the kicker: emotional intelligence isn’t just about sitting in a room, meditating, and hoping for an epiphany. It’s more like practicing a sport. Small tweaks, consistent effort, and sometimes just sitting back and going, “Well, that was a terrible reaction. Let’s try again tomorrow.”

What’s Emotional Intelligence Anyway?

So, what are we even talking about when we say “emotional intelligence”? Is it the ability to cry on command and keep it together during a Zoom meeting? Kind of. But it’s really about five key things:

• Self-awareness: Know your emotions, don’t just run with them like a runaway train.
• Self-regulation: If you’re not ready to punch your screen during a bad meeting, you’re winning.
• Motivation: Getting up at 6 a.m. because you actually want to, not because your boss is sending passive-aggressive emails.
• Empathy: Understanding others’ emotions, even if they are giving you that side-eye look after you ate their lunch out of the fridge.
• Social Skills: Basically, playing well with others.

I used to think these things were only for zen yoga instructors or those people who can be calm when their toddlers are throwing spaghetti at the wall. But turns out, emotional intelligence is something you can develop—if you’re ready to put in the work.

Self-Awareness – The Big First Step

Here’s where it starts: being aware of your emotions. I get it, though. It’s a lot easier to blame the Wi-Fi for your bad mood than it is to sit with the fact that you’re grumpy because you barely got 5 hours of sleep last night. I learned this the hard way.

I remember once losing it over a missing pen—like, full-on angry because I couldn’t find a damn pen to sign a document. Turns out, I was actually mad about something else. The pen was just the last straw. If I had stopped and checked in with myself first, I probably wouldn’t have yelled at the poor guy from the copy room. Sorry, Dave.

How to improve self-awareness:

• Start journaling: Write about how you feel each day. Even if it’s just, “I’m annoyed that I can’t find a pen.” It’s a start.
• Ask for feedback: I know, it’s scary. But people around you can often spot patterns in your emotions you can’t see.
• Practice mindfulness: Take a moment to breathe. No, seriously. Stop. Breathe. You’d be surprised what taking 5 seconds can do.

Being aware of your emotions gives you the power to control them. It’s one of the most important ways to improve your emotional intelligence.

Self-Regulation – Taming That Inner Beast

Now that you know what you’re feeling, the next step is learning how not to immediately shout, cry, or throw something across the room. Not that I’ve done any of those things in public… okay, maybe once. It’s about controlling your responses—your “fight or flight” moments.

Ever snapped at someone just because you were hangry? Yeah, been there. The trick is pausing before you react. I had to do this when I was in line at Pete’s Hardware on 5th Avenue and realized I had no patience left for the person in front of me who was asking way too many questions about bird seed.

Here’s a real game-changer for self-regulation:

• Take deep breaths: I’m not saying turn into a monk, but taking a deep breath before reacting to something can seriously save you from a meltdown.
• Count to ten: Classic, but it works. By the time you hit ten, you’ve usually calmed down.
• Use positive self-talk: Instead of saying “I can’t handle this,” try “I’ve got this. One step at a time.”

Honestly, it’s all about realizing that every emotional reaction doesn’t need a full-on show. It’s okay to step back, think it through, and then respond. Trust me, learning this was one of the most real ways to improve your emotional intelligence.

Empathy – Feeling Others’ Feels

If there’s one thing I need to improve on, it’s definitely empathy. I’m the first to admit that I’ve totally missed the emotional cues from my friends before—”Oh, you wanted to talk? Sorry, I was too busy thinking about my new phone case.” It’s embarrassing, but it’s a learning process.

Here’s how to level up your empathy:

• Listen. Really listen. I used to think I was a great listener, but then I realized I was mostly waiting for my turn to talk. Whoops.
• Ask questions: People love to talk about themselves (me included, honestly). Ask how someone’s day is going, and follow up with specific questions.
• Don’t judge: When someone opens up, it’s not about offering advice immediately. Sometimes, it’s just about nodding and saying, “I hear you.”

Fun fact: Victorians believed talking to ferns prevented madness. I talk to my begonias just in case.

Empathy is, like, the golden ticket of ways to improve your emotional intelligence. Without it, you’re just going through the motions, but with it, you’re connecting on a deeper level.

Social Skills – Making Those Connections Stick

Being emotionally intelligent isn’t just about keeping your cool; it’s about making sure everyone else does too. Social skills matter. And if I’m honest, my first attempt at being “socially skilled” was a disaster. I thought being funny meant telling bad dad jokes every 30 seconds. It doesn’t. (Trust me, no one wants to hear a knock-knock joke at 8 AM.)

How to boost your social skills:

• Know when to listen and when to speak. In my younger years, I spoke too much and listened too little. Huge mistake. Now, I try to be a good listener—unless it’s about the new season of The Bachelor. I have thoughts, okay?
• Practice active listening: Eye contact, nodding, and giving feedback like “Wow, that must’ve been tough” can make a huge difference in someone feeling heard.

Building social skills takes time and a willingness to learn from awkward moments (I’ve had plenty). And honestly, when you get it right, it’s one of the most rewarding ways to improve your emotional intelligence. It’s like going from awkward to smooth in social settings—no more cringing when you see old photos of yourself at parties.

Wrapping Up (Not That It’s Over, But You Know…)

Look, improving your emotional intelligence isn’t about becoming perfect. It’s about getting better. I’ve had my share of embarrassing moments (ask anyone who’s been in a meeting with me when I’m overtired). But every time I screw up, I learn, I grow, and I try again.

So, yeah. Emotional intelligence is a thing you can work on, but you’ve got to be patient with yourself. Start small, laugh at your mistakes, and keep going. Because the more you practice these ways to improve your emotional intelligence, the smoother your emotional ride will be.

Oh, and if you’re ever in Pete’s Hardware, maybe let me know—I’ll probably be the one overthinking if I need nitrogen or potassium for my next emotional meltdown.